Not Just Laura

Moving Home

2010-04-17T09:29:00.001-07:00

I moved house and forgot to tell you - I'm so sorry!

You can find me at:

NotJustLaura

Hope to see you there soon.

Run and hide

2009-04-17T07:09:00.001-07:00

Providing the island has a well-stocked library and internet access I'm perfectly content, thanks. In fact, I'd probably run and hide if I saw a ship on the horizon and heading our way!

Disconnected Vacations?

2009-04-13T01:31:00.000-07:00

I've just read this very interesting post over at Creative Organizing. I'm sorry, I don't know the author's name and a quick scan of the page didn't come up with any answers. Anyway - I like the way she writes. And I'm intrigued by the question she poses:

"In the meantime, I would love to hear your thoughts on taking *real* vacations. Do you disconnect from the real world or do you stay connected via your cell phone, lap top or other electronic device? I’m curious to know if I’m the only one who craves complete disconnection from the real world while vacationing. I’m happy to be back…but boy it felt good to get away."

I actually feel quite distressed if I holiday without access to the internet. Probably this shows a degree of addiction. But it's an addiction I'm comfortable with and, in these ultra-connected days, it's not a hard addiction to feed. I think it stems from my feelings of isolation when I was first diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (now Atypical Bipolar Disorder). I lost touch with workmates, friends, some family. I didn't go out. I didn't talk to anyone if I could avoid it. I sat and watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer videos and ate chocolate all day, every day. And then I got a modem.

These days, life is different. I do voluntary work and see some of my colleagues socially. I have friends (who I met online and see in real life). I have friends (who I only meet online). I can go to family gatherings, church, shopping - the usually things people do. But I still need my modem. The internet feels a whole lot safer than the outside world sometimes and I'm still more comfortable writing than I am speaking.

Easter Vigil

2009-04-12T09:27:00.000-07:00

View Larger Map
This is a picture of St Joseph's RC Church where I attended the Easter Vigil Mass on Saturday night. I'd particularly wanted to go to this Mass as there was an adult (who'd already been Baptised elsewhere) being Confirmed and having First Communion. If I decide to convert then I'll be in the same position so I was particularly interested in that part of the service.

The whole service, from beginning to end, is something I'll not forget in a long time. I feel really privileged to have been there and able to take part as far as I did. It was really wonderful (and worth staying up till after bedtime for!)

And a young woman was Confirmed and received First Communion. I can't say, 'I wish it was me.' But I do say, 'I wish I was ready.'

I'm flighty. I say I want thus and thus and then go full pelt after that and that instead. I need to learn consistency - and not just in matters of faith. Just call me Good Intentions Girl. So that's what the next 12 months are about. Consistency. I'm setting out to explore Catholicism further with a view to making a decision this time next year. I have this idea that I'll try and live 'as if' I were Catholic. So I'll accept the Sunday Obligation and go to Mass, I'll try and get to Adoration, I'll use the prayers I've learned. And I'll decide. In a year.

First rule of relationships: Good manners cost nothing.

2009-04-12T06:56:00.001-07:00

I don't think I'm very good at the relationship thing ...

Good manners cost nothing.
You can disagree with people and still maintain a good relationship by following this rule.

Respect.
It's important to treat all people with respect.

Humour
Sometimes you've just got to laugh.

Functional Dressing

2009-04-10T09:35:00.001-07:00

I'm a Volunteer with a cat rescue charity.

133/365: Productive

It rather depends who I'm trying to impress, doesn't it? So who do I try and impress? Mostly it's clients and colleagues (new colleagues - I've given up trying to impress the old ones.) I'm trying to project confidence, sense, experience, responsibility and the idea that I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. This tends to equate with jeans, sensible top, DM boots and my 'uniform' fleece. I don't generally wear makeup (and wish I did until the alarm goes at 6am) but I do sometimes wear studs in my ears.

On Children

2009-03-16T07:39:00.001-07:00

“You can do nothing with children unless you win their confidence and love by bringing them into touch with oneself, by breaking through all the hindrances that keep them at a distance. We must accommodate ourselves to their tastes, we must make ourselves like them.” — St. John Bosco

I read this quote over at Faith & Family and have my own slant on it. Look at the last phrase: "We must make ourselves like them." I assume St. John Bosco meant that we must become like children. But I read it as we must like them. Because I don't, really, if I'm being honest. But I'm trying. My cousin has two little girls now and I can be child-friendly for short periods of time. I still don't want any of my own though so it's just as well I'm single!

Simple Woman's DayBook 16th March 2009

2009-03-16T07:21:00.000-07:00

For Today...

Outside my window... chilly and damp.

I am thinking... of what book I will read next.

From the learning rooms... I'm looking forward to this week's Catechism Class.

I am thankful for... my mum and dad and that we had a nice visit together this morning.

From the kitchen... I'm thinking of baking bread this week.

I am wearing... a soft T-shirt and jogging bottoms - comfy and warm.

I am reading... I've just finished 'The Seeker's Catechism'.

I am hoping... for a peaceful, Godly week.

I am creating... new ways of living.

I am hearing... Classic FM.

Around the house... It's tidier but not a lot cleaner. I have more work to do.

One of my favorite things... Snuggles with Maggie-cat.

A few plans for the rest of the week... I'd like to get to Mass each day.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you... Spring must surely be on its way.

Saturday Steps of Faith

2009-03-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

I really like this idea over at Lisa's My Passionate Pursuit. She's asking:

What are you believing God for?

Jesus said:

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10 NIV

And that's the promise that I hold onto.

Weigh In

2009-03-10T04:42:00.000-07:00

I'm still trying to lose weight and a back with SlimmingWorld. Last night was weigh in and I'm pleased to report that I've lost 2.5lbs bringing my total loss to 5lbs. Bearing in mind that I comfort ate all the wrong things while my mum was in hospital last week, I'm rather pleased.

Weekly Memory Verse

2009-03-09T10:33:00.001-07:00

I've tried learning Bible verses before and I've even blogged about it here in the past. But today I discovered that there's a Memory Verse challenge right here in BlogLand over at The Power of Your Love.

Here's the verse for this week in the New Living Translation (as that's the Bible I most like to use):

Psalm 92:1 (New Living Translation)

1 It is good to give thanks to the Lord,
to sing praises to the Most High.

St Frances of Rome

2009-03-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

Reading my Catechism Class lesson for today, I was directed to read of St Frances of Rome: Saint of the Day. Do you think she could teach me to better manage my home and my time?

Hurry Up and Pray Already

2009-03-09T06:43:00.000-07:00

So I've been away for a while, haven't I? Do you want to hear my excuse? I got busy - mum with cancer, stuff with cats, stuff with studying, my own depression. I got busy and I got distracted. A couple of days ago, my computer died and has only been revived by some major decluttering and the purchase of a new storage drive. But it's now working beautifully and I have the space to do some of the things I've been wanting to do for a while. One of those was to try the Google browser, Chrome. And, of course, using a new browser means going through links, looking at the websites one uses and trying to find more efficient ways of doing things. Well, it does for me, at any rate. And that brought me full circle to about this time last year and the year before and straight into Blog-Land via Google Reader. So I cleared out my folders and just jumped right back in.

What's going on in my life? Well, my mum's been doing really well on a chemo-break although she's not quite so well just now. I've gone back to my voluntary work with Cats Protection. I have two fosterlings just now: Figaro and Maggie. And I'm expecting a third, Tina, on Wednesday. I now have clear hours of work which includes two full days off each week and it's working really well and keeping me fairly sane and productive. Today is a day off, incidentally.

Faith-wise? I still have a lot of questions about my identity and that encompasses my faith-life. My Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN D) has arranged some counselling for me which should help with this. At the moment, I'm very interested in Catholicism and have been attending Sunday Mass at the local parish since the beginning of the year. I particularly like what they call 'Youth Mass' - basically, your regular Mass with good music. But it seems to me that it's everything that 'Church' should be. So I'm trying to learn more about the Catholic faith as I go along, week by week. I've signed up to an online Catechism Class which is good but somewhat dry. And I'm reading and praying ... Which brings me to the real reason for this post.

I've found this blog posting today. Basically, the lady writing was too busy to pray with her son at the start of a day's homeschooling. And it's gotten me to wondering: How often do I skip prayer and Bible reading in order to get on with other, 'important' things?

As I've been learning about Catholicism, I've discovered Universalis and have been making some effort to pray the Litany of the Hours. Or, at least, the Office of Readings because that fits with my search for information. But it's not really working - I think I'm trying to do too much, too soon and am ending up doing not a lot of anything. Especially on 'work' days. Even today, my official day off from CP, I haven't looked at it. I did mean to go to Mass but slept in and then got on with housework and playing online and visiting my mum and shopping ... But God really hasn't entered into the picture. So I'm thinking I'll forget about the Litany for a while and concentrate on just a short time of prayer and Bible reading in the morning and evening. I have the Catholic Truth Society's 'A Simple Prayer Book' and like using that. And I've some Bible reading notes that follow along with the Mass readings for each day. I also have the One Year Catholic Bible. So my thought is to do the Morning and Evening Prayers from the Prayer Book and the Mass reading in the morning and the day's reading from the One Year Bible in the evening. That sees like something I may actually stick with. And, when I can stick with that, I'll think about the more elaborate plans I've made again.

The Simple Woman's Daybook - 9th March 2009

2009-03-09T01:47:00.000-07:00

FOR TODAY (Monday, 9th March 2009)...
Outside my window... it's sunshine and showers.
I am thinking... about going to Mass.
I am thankful for... central heating.
From the kitchen... there is laundry.
I am wearing... my dressing gown.
I am creating... a knitted blanket.
I am going... to buy petrol.
I am reading... The Mandarins - but I'm not enjoying it.
I am hoping... to get a lot done today.
I am hearing... Abiding Radio.
Around the house... is chaos.
One of my favorite things... snuggling with Sammy.
A few plans for the rest of the week: I'd like to get the house back in some kind of order.
Here is picture thought I am sharing... This is Rosie. She went to her new home last week and I dreamed of her last night ...

You can find more entries such as this by visiting The Simple Woman's Daybook.

Pause: Review

2008-08-10T12:04:00.000-07:00

Some days ago, my lovely friend Angie asked how I was getting on with Pause as my daily reading Bible. I am sure she will not mind my responding here instead of writing her a personal e-mail -- I want to share with you all just how good this Bible is!

It has taken me a couple of weeks to find the way of using this Bible that works for me but I think, tonight, I have finally got it sussed.

The first thing I have learned is that I do not want to share absolutely everything I learn from this Bible reading experience and, as you know, I have blogged about that previously.

The next thing I learned is that Bible reading in the morning does not work for me. Nor does Bible reading in the afternoon. What does work is reading the Bible after dinner and evening routine are complete. I worry a little that this means God comes last on my list of things to do but that honestly isn't the case. In the morning I am far too sleepy after the medication I have taken the night before to make me sleep. I cannot concentrate and praying just makes me want to sleep even more than I usually do. I have tried but it was not a good experience and I don't think the time I spent with God was quality time. Afternoon just didn't feel right. However, in the evening my anxiety is at its peak and I have found that reading the Bible and praying at this time relieves the anxiety as well as medication.

For a few nights, I went to bed as soon as evening routine was finished and read the Bible for a couple of hours before I went to sleep. The Bible is arranged in daily sections so obviously I was reading more than the suggested portion each day. There is, of course, nothing wrong with reading more of the Bible than you've been asked to! But I felt I was just skimming the surface.

This evening, I have tried something a little different. Instead of going to bed with the Bible, I have got it through in the livingroom and the computer. I have created a new section in Microsoft OneNote called, appropriately enough, Bible reading. I prayed and then turned to the next section of the Bible. I put the headset that the voice recognition software needs and read the Bible while speaking aloud the notes that I would like to make on it. I then went to want to answer the question relating to the Bible passage straight into OneNote. I found that this really slowed me down and I am still mulling over what I wrote. This can only be good, right?

So, now I have worked out how to use it properly, here is a little review of the The Message Remix Pause.

This bible bills itself as an everyday reading Bible in contemporary language. I think it does exactly what it says on the tin. Using Eugene Peterson's The Message translation, the Bible is arranged in segments to be read every day. The books are not presented in the order are found in most of today's Bibles. The reader begins reading Genesis interspersed with chapters from the Gospel of John. Although the Bible is divided into daily segments, there are further divisions within the text which would allow the reader to work through more slowly. After each passage from the Bible is a relevant and thought-provoking question. I feel that these would be appropriate for new or more mature Christians. Obviously, the more mature reader will be able to go deeper. All in all, I am very impressed with this book and am looking forward to working my way through it over the coming year.

Forgiveness

2008-08-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

I like forgiveness. Probably because I need to receive a lot of it. And God is so good to forgive me - again and again and again. But His prayer says:

Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

God forgives us and wipes that slate squeaky-clean. But do we do the same for others? What does forgiveness look like?

To me, at this time, forgiving someone means giving them into God's hands. It means saying, 'What you did hurt me but I won't try and exact revenge. It's all up to God. And I'll pray for His mercy.'

What does forgiveness mean to you?

Stepping Out in Faith

2008-08-08T09:39:00.000-07:00

How often do we stop dead in fear instead of stepping out in faith?

I'm thinking of opportunities to serve, to witness, to relate. I've done it so many times. I feel the nudge of the Holy Spirit and I stop dead. What if I'm mistaken? What if they don't appreciate my intentions? What if - horror of horrors - I make a fool of myself? Or have to humble myself? Serve a stranger?

And, by the time I've squirmed and questioned and muttered my way through ... the opportunity is past.

I don't know if I'll step out in faith next time. But I do promise to try.

Breath of Life

2008-08-07T07:59:00.000-07:00

Genesis 6:3 (The Message)
The Message (MSG)

Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson
[The Message at Navpress] [NavPress]

3 Then God said, "I'm not going to breathe life into men and women endlessly. Eventually they're going to die; from now on they can expect a life span of 120 years."

I continued reading Pause today and we've come to the account of Noah and the Flood. Just before that account, however, I was struck by this verse. I also checked the NIV and NLT translations but I prefer The Message's rendering today. Because I can read right through in the NIV translation, think 'fair enough' and move right along to whatever else. In contrast, when I read the verse in The Message I had to pause and think.

What is it about the verse that strikes me?

Well, for me, the inference is that it's God 'breathing life into' us that keeps us alive. And I've not thought about that before. I mean - you're born, you breathe, you live, you stop breathing, you die. I've never thought before that God must breathe life into you every single day. And when He stops, you die. This really brings home to me the verse that says:

Matthew 6:27 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
[NIV at IBS] [International Bible Society] [NIV at Zondervan] [Zondervan]

27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a]?

It's all about God. Each day, each hour, each moment is a gift as he breathes life into us.

Take a breath. Feel it? That's God.

Testimony of Healing

2008-08-07T00:50:00.000-07:00

Like many sufferers of bipolar disorder, I also suffer from frequent migraines for which I take strong painkillers.

About two months ago, I received prayer for migraines at the Elim Church. When the prayer was over , I felt a cool tingling sensation on my forehead. I don't know if you have ever worn one of the cooling headache patches that you can put on your forehead but it felt a lot like that and was not at all unpleasant. At the same time, I felt God say to me:

My grace is sufficient for you.

I wasn't at all sure of what this might mean so I prayed it back to God and went home.

By the time I got home, I had a migraine!And God kept saying-- my grace is sufficient for you.and it came to me that he was telling me to lay off the painkillers.

Over the course of that weekend, I experienced severe migraine pain. Usually I would have gone to bed with painkillers, headache patches, and anything else I could think of to make myself feel better. But this time was different.I didn't take any painkillers. I stayed up. I drank a lot water, read the Bible, and prayed. And I found out that God's grace was sufficient for me.

The migraine eventually left me -- without any medical intervention. And I felt fabulous! I am still getting migraines, but they are far less frequent. Last week I didn't have one at all! I have piece about using the painkillers if there is something important have to do and I am in a lot of pain which would inhibit me carrying out the task. But, the rest of the time, I just wait for it to go away. And it does!

This is all very new to me. I'm very much feel the pain and take the tablet girl. But I feel that I had become dependent on the tablets when I should be dependent on God. Today, I have a migraine. And, somehow, that's okay. I wonder if this is God's peace that transcends all understanding?

Is There a Purpose?

2008-08-06T05:27:00.000-07:00

Candy has asked some interesting questions about blogging. And, as I'm just getting into it again (isn't it funny how things go in cycles?) I thought it might be worthwhile to try and answer them. Candy says:

I have been thinking the last couple of days about my purpose in blogging.

Is there a purpose?

Is it to Journal?

For myself?

For Others?

Is what I'm posting pleasing to God? Others? Both? Neither?

Do I watch my words? My attitude? Do they reflect who I "really" am?

And now's the time for me to admit that I don't actually have a purpose. Well, not one I've planned, anyway. I must have a purpose, surely, or I'd be playing Tetris instead of writing to you. My purpose in writing this blog ... is to connect with other Christian women. I'm the new girl at Church which is great because I'm meeting lots of new people. But, somehow, I tend to find it easier to make friends with people on-line and *then* meet them IRL. Doing it the other way round freaks me out more than a little. I think it's cause I was bullied at school or something. Anyway. I think my purpose with this blog is primarily meeting likeminded women. I also find that I think best when I'm writing. I don't know if your teachers ever told you that essay writing is a form of learning because it forces you to use the ideas and concepts you've been learning, but I find that is very true for me. So this blog also serves to clarify my thoughts about God, life and anything else that crosses my keyboard.

Is it to journal? Yes, a little bit. Although I have another, private, blog for that.

For myself? Yes - it is *me* who wants to meet others. It is me who wants to clarify her thoughts.

For others? I'm not sure I have much to say that is of use to others. But I guess people sometimes struggle with the same issues and it's encouraging to see someone else on the path. So, if my blog is helpful to you then that's great. And maybe there is some way I'll serve the bloggy community in the future. I don't know how that might be though.

Is what I'm posting pleasing to God? Others? Both? Neither? I *think* what I'm posting is pleasing to God. I certainly haven't tried to offend Him. And some very kind women have made nice comments so I *think* my posts are pleasing to them also. It's more important to be pleasing to God though and that's something I'll keep in mind.

Do I watch my words? My attitude? Do they reflect who I "really" am? I watch my words and attitude on here a lot more than I do IRL. That's a hard truth to hear. I think this blog might reflect who I am becoming more than who I 'really' am. I don't mean that I'm sitting here typing a whole lot of lies. I'm not. But it's easy to write of the little victories rather than the major failures. And I think that's something I'm going to have to watch else I'll have the sin of pride knocking at my door. And I see him often enough as it is.

Priorities

2008-08-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

There was an article on Biblical Womanhood a couple of months back which I found very interesting. The writer challenges us to ask two questions about the 'stuff' we do:

1) Does this glorify the Lord and honor my husband?
2) Will this matter in Eternity?

and then to write a list of our priorities for this season of our lives. I feel challenged by this. How much time do I spend on pleasurable but meaningless pursuits? Is God going to ask me to give up all my hobbies? Do I have to spend every evening on my knees with my Bible open beside me? And why am I not happy at that prospect?

Most of the things I do (I have bad days, who doesn't?) don't *dis*honour God or my future-husband. I'm not so sure that they specifically 'glorify' or 'honour' them though. I don't really think about my day-to-day activities in those terms. They're just a list of Things To Do which I either enjoy or don't. And as for them mattering in Eternity? I'm drawing a blank. Although it has to be said, I don't actually *know* what matters in Eternity and what doesn't. I mean - does scooping the litter trays count? So, I'm more than a little stumped.

What are my priorities? I know what they should be:

1. God.
2. Husband.
3. Children.
4. Other family.
5. Church family.
6. Me things: reading, blogging, cats, knitting etc.

The difficulty is that I don't have #2 and #3 (unless you count the cats which I generally do). And I have so many things clamouring for my attention at #6 that they seem to need a list of their own. However, I will try and write a liveable list:

1. God.
2. Future-husband.
3. Other family.
4. Church family.
5. Cats.
6. Hobbies: reading and so on.

Demoting the cats *hurts* and I can't bring myself to put them in the 'hobbies' bracket. Oh, and keeping house is a future-husband thing since I don't mind living in a guddle but he probably will!

Look! No Hands!

2008-08-05T06:38:00.000-07:00

This post is just to let you know why there may be an interruption to service.

I saw my doctor yesterday. He told me I have hurt the carpal something in my hand. He mentioned ligaments and pulling and tearing. I don't think he really knows what's the matter with my hand and I just know that it is very sore. And it's stopping me doing the normal day-to-day activities, that we all take for granted. It is particularly painful to use the keyboard and mouse of this computer and, for this Internet addict, that's a big problem.

However, I found a solution! I went to PC World today and I have bought myself some voice recognition software. I'm using it just now. The packet claimed that this software doesn't need any training, but that's not quite true - it does. Or maybe it's me that needs training? I'm not very sure. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know why there might not be a post every day for a little while. I have articles saved for until the ninth of August. After that, I'm going into Blogging Without Obligation mode.

It isn't that I don't like the voice recognition software -- I really do like it and it works well, even with my Glaswegian accent. I find it really strange to be talking instead of typing. I was never any good at school when I had to do the class talk. I was much better writing things down and I really am better at writing things than speaking then. I'm going to be somewhat incapacitated from the next two weeks, however, so I'm sure I will get used to this new way of writing. And, of course, my hand would be this bad for the whole fortnight. I hope not, anyway.

Speak to you all soon.

Blogging Without Obligation

2008-08-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

How many times have I started out here (or one of my other blogs) by saying: "I'm really sorry I haven't posted in a while. You see, my teeth fell out, then the cat got sick. After that I had to dig a big hole in the garden. And then the cat fell in. And I couldn't get her out. So I put more dirt in the hole so she could climb out. And then, by the time I had enough dirt in the hole for her to climb out, I had to dig another hole ..."

We've all written posts like that, right? So I am delighted to have stumbled into Blogging Without Obligation. Because, quite frankly, life's too short to waste time making excuses about your hobbies.

Inheritance?

2008-08-03T07:45:00.000-07:00

I'm having a bloggy afternoon and stumbled upon this post which poses an interesting question:

What trait do you think you have inherited that you really would rather not have inherited? And what do you wish you had inherited too?

My unwanted inheritance comes from my paternal grandmother. My Gran had an amazing ability not to notice dirt, clutter, chaos and a really quite unpleasant home. Every six months or so my grandfather would lock her out of the kitchen while he cleaned it up. When I was a baby, my mother used to take her own teaspoon with which to feed me tinned babyfood if we were eating at Gran's. That's how bad it was. In fact, it was so bad that even I who have inherited my Gran's 'gift' noticed that her house was just not a nice place to be.

The gift has been diluted in me by my mother's perfectionism when it comes to housekeeping. So my place isn't actually squalid, it just leaves a lot to be desired. But I genuinely rarely notice the chaos. And dust? Ha! We happily co-exist while my feather-duster languishes in a cupboard. So the trait I wish I'd inherited more of is my mother's skill as a homemaker. I don't envy her her total perfectionism - I've seen my mother finally disintegrate into tears at midnight because she's been cleaning all day and things still aren't as she'd like them - but surely there must be a position of balance?

Servant-hood

2008-08-02T06:55:00.000-07:00

When we played servants as children, I was always the Grand Lady who ordered everyone else around. I was never the servant, at that Lady's beck and call. I wasn't very good at being told to clean my room or help my mum around the house either. Later on, I worked in Cusomer Service and hated every minute of humbling myself and doing whatever for the customers. I got out of that job as soon as I could!

But something I read yesterday in Leslie Ludy's Authentic Beauty hit me right between the eyes. I think this verse expresses it well:

Mark 10:45 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
[NIV at IBS] [International Bible Society] [NIV at Zondervan] [Zondervan]

45For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Am I more important than Jesus that I should be served? I think not.

Ludy is writing in the context of marriage. When I think about marriage, I have thought a lot about what my husband will be like, what he'll do for me, how he'll make me feel. But I realised yesterday that I shouldn't be thinking about marriage in terms of what I'll get out of it at all. I will be going into marriage to serve my husband. To do him good all the days of my life. To iron his shirts and make his bed and (maybe) to bear his children. For him. Not for me. This is a radical change in my thinking. I'm actually still shell-shocked and can't quite believe that I'm writing this and believing it whole-heartedly, with every fibre of my being. Marriage is about service. And, hard though it will be, it's something I'm excited about and enthusiastically looking foward to with the future-husband God has somewhere hidden away for me. Or put right under my nose so I can't see him!

I've said many times that this time in my life is the time of preparation for marriage. I was too busy partying in my teens and twenties when I should have been preparing for my future or I would no doubt have learned this lesson earlier. Having made the realisation that I need to serve, I now need to learn how by serving others in preparation for serving my husband. (I would point out here that I have no certain assurance of every marrying but, as it is the norm for most and God's intention for a man to leave his parents and be joined to his wife etc, I'm assuming marriage is in the future and will prepare for it until God tells me his plans are otherwise.) So I need to learn how to serve because I have strenuously avoided it up until now. I have a feeling I'll be swallowing a whole lot of pride in the days and weeks (and months!) to come.

I took my first baby-step today. My parents had to come to my home today and I tried to have everything cleaned up and hoovered before they arrived not because I felt it needed done but because I know my mother likes to see the house looking nice. Now, it's far from perfect - I have issues with clutter and the untidy child's room has become the untidy, dusty house of an adult - but it's a start. I would usually have said, 'It's my house and I'll live with dust if I want to.' But I know this bothers my mother so I did as much as I could before she arrived. It's just a baby-step but every journey starts with a single step in the right direction.

KIP, RIP, BIP?

2008-08-01T12:45:00.000-07:00

Knitting in Public (KIP) is de-rigour amongst the trendiest knitters. People who Read in Public (RIP) are a lot less militant about it. But they're still doing something slightly unusual in this iPod age. But I'm wondering ... Do people ever reading their Bibles in Public (BIP)? I'm not talking about turning to the lesson with the Preacher in Church on a Sunday morning. I'm thinking about on the bus. In the park. While you're waiting for appointments. Out there - where people can see you.

KIPers and RIPers will tell you that their hobby is so important they want to take it everywhere they go and engage with it at every opportunity. Should we not feel the same way about the Word of God?

These questions do not come to you from the pen of an intrepid Biblical adventurer. I've BIPed once and once only. The day I bought Pause, I went into a coffee shop for a sit-down and found myself drawing the new Bible out of my bag. I only meant to glance through it and then put it away in favour of something less obviously Christian but, before I knew it, I was reading the introductory pages. And then some of the text itself.

I continued to read on the bus home. And I found that I like BIPing. It made me very conscious of God being right there, right where I am at any given moment. I found myself reading a little and praying a little. For the people on the bus, for the streets we passed along, for the emergency siren I heard in the distance.

Isn't this what life's supposed to be like? Walking through each day with God at your right hand. I felt like I got a lot closer to God on that bus than I have for a long time. I'll BIP again ... and I strongly urge you to give it a try.

Worry Results

2008-07-31T23:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I decided to take note of my worries. And today, Cindy invites us to share what we found.

I have problems with anxiety, so I expected to worry a lot. Actually, I don't. I noticed that, when the anxiety came upon me, it was just a feeling and not associated with any particular thoughts or worries.

Cindy had also asked that we take our worries captive. But can you do this with a feeling? If anyone has ideas for dealing with anxiety, I'd love to hear them.

Church

2008-07-31T12:11:00.000-07:00

The saga of Laura Looks for a Church is, I think, drawing to a close.

For a while I've been going to Glasgow Elim. And it's been good in many ways. However, the Pastor is very much caught up in the 'Florida Outpouring' and, having watched one of the services there on God TV, I just got more and more uncomfortable about the whole 'movement'. To me, it doesn't appear to have reverence for God.

There were some other things wrong at Elim too. The Pastor would use ... um ... dubious language. Profanity, I suppose you would call it. The word in question is in common useage and probably isn't even considered a 'swear word' by the majority of people anymore. But since when do we conform to the pattern of the world? I found it inappropriate.

There were other things - coarse joking, saying 'magic' words over people who came forward for healing, lack of Biblical teaching, addition of man's (mis)information to what was taught from the Bible. It was all wrong. In my opinion. Do you know, I've been mulling this post for a few days and I was going to say something along the lines of: "Lots of little things were wrong and they all added up." But these are major issues I'm listing.

The long and the short of it is that the Elim Church and I have parted company. I have no peace about going there and a whole lot of peace about not. So I was back to Church shopping. Which is a horrible expression but what else can one call it? Actually, I didn't shop very hard. I quit Elim and didn't start going anywhere else. Maybe I needed time to clear my head from all the mumbo-jumbo?

But on Friday of last week, I found myself looking online at local Churches. Again. I was really quite dispirited about the whole thing. So I decided to lighten up a bit and took the Belief-o-Matic test. And, half in jest, I said to God: "OK - whatever this comes out with, that's what I'll go to." It gave me the highest score for 'Mainline to Conservative Christian' and the next highest for 'Brethren'. The two were virtually tied. I clicked on the 'relevant' links the site gave and found out that I really do believe what other people, similarly categorised, believe. The denomination that kept coming up was Evangelical. And there's a Church called 'Cartsbridge Evangelical Church' near here. I've been a couple of times before and really, really liked it. So I started surfing over their site and over the sites they link to. And one of the links took me to a directory listing in which Cartsbridge's denomination is given as 'Brethren.'

Now, I'm not going to start trumpeting about having a message from God. But I will tell you that I have such peace about attending there regularly. I went on Sunday and it was really good - everything I would want in a Church, so far as I can see. Additionally, my family have no problem with me going there. In fact, my mother used to go to a Brethren Church when she was a student! This is compared to the Elim Church which I very carefully never told my parents I was going to because they'd have had kittens. And, as I realise now, rightly so.

Anyway. I think this is where God is placing me. I'm not going to step forward to make a commitment until I've been going regularly for a goodly while (I'm thinking a year wouldn't be unreasonable) but I'm so glad that the search appears to be over!

Worry Test

2008-07-30T23:09:00.000-07:00

The lovely Cindy has asked her readers to take a look at their worries today. She says:

Today, I would like for you to see how many times your mind goes to worrying. In the big things and in the little things. Ask God to show you when you are worrying. Ask Him to gently nudge your spirit when you start to fret over what may never come. Ask Him to help you take thoughts captive when any temptation to pine away your day starts to rear its ugly head.

I am having anxiety problems at this time. I've been struggling with great feelings of anxiety every evening for a while now and nothing seems to help. Now I've started worrying about it in advance which isn't exactly helpful. So I'm going to take Cindy's challenge and see what she has to say tomorrow.

Self-help

2008-07-30T11:25:00.000-07:00

Am I strange in really enjoying reading self-help books? I only like books that pertain to me in some way, I don't read in a general "lets learn about ..." manner. Although I suppose I could if I wanted to. But I, like most people, have certain problems and weaknesses and I enjoy reading books that address my issues. I like the feeling that I'm not alone in my experience and the reassuring voice of an author telling me that I can change if I only follow some simple steps ...

And I realised today that this is wrong.

I read the first day's message from The Message//Remix:Pause (hereafter referred to as 'Pause') today. And, yes, this is the post about it that I wasn't going to make. I read the first two chapters of Genesis and vs 1-18 from the first chapter of John. Pause posed a couple of questions relating to the passages of Scripture. And I found myself writing in my journal ...

Here's the deal. God created the world and everything in it. This includes me. God, therefore, knows how everything is supposed to work and how it actually works. Because you do know if you've made something yourself. God is, therefore, the authority on me. In fact, He is the only one who knows what I'm all about. And God wants to be in relationship with me. That's why He sent Jesus to die on the cross. He wants to be in relationship with me now and throughout eternity.

Now, if I'm in relationship with my Creator, why am I turning to the self-help authors when I'm in need of assistance? It's like asking a child to look at your car instead of taking it to a mechanic. And I'm sure (now) that it hurts God. Because He's right there beside me, just waiting to be asked.

I'm not going to ban self-help books. Because there are good, Christian authors out there whose work is helpful if if I combine it with seeking God for myself. I'm going to be a whole lot more discerning about my reading in this area and I'm going to school myself to Ask God First.

Sometimes ...

2008-07-29T05:38:00.000-07:00

... you just have to accept that something isn't going to work.

I am just not comfortable blogging about my experience of reading the Bible as I had intended to do. I don't know why I'm not, I'm just ... not. Maybe it's too much pressure? Like having to write an essay and submit it to someone else? Maybe reading the Bible is a much more personal thing than I had expected? I think writing in a private journal will be fine. But writing here isn't. I feel such great resistance to it and it's putting me off doing the reading and this is, after all, counter-productive.

So, yes, I might blog about it one day. But I'm not going to be doing any regular, daily posts for the forseeable future.

Hurdle #1

2008-07-28T23:50:00.000-07:00

Today I plan to start the Bible-reading plan I outlined to you yesterday. And I've met the first hurdle ... I've been awake for two hours, I'm on my third mug of coffee, and I'm still too groggy to focus on anything requiring more than one third of my usual brain capacity.

It takes me a long time to awaken - probably because I have to take medication to make me sleep at night.

The plan was that I'd read and blog each morning while having one of said mugs of coffee. But that just ain't going to work! So I will try again at lunchtime.

The Message//Remix:Pause

2008-07-28T09:01:00.001-07:00

It's all about finding what works. I really want to be reading more of God's Word. I really want to read the Bible right through. I really want to be faithful with my reading and praying and studying. And I'm not.

I've tried so many different things. Read in the morning. Do it in the afternoon. Just before bedtime. Start in Genesis and keep going. Read chronologically. Read thematically. Just study one book but in depth. Use reading notes. Buy a study Bible. Get a different translation.

All of these have worked in part or not at all. Nothing has stuck. And I won't bore you with the reasons why. It's too hot.

I went into our semi-local branch of WesleyOwen on Friday. They usually have some items marked down in a kind of rolling all-year-round sale and I noticed two Bibles sitting on that shelf. I didn't buy either (didn't buy anything that day) as money is tight and I'm trying to teach myself to wait and see if I really want an item before making a purchase. And all weekend I've thought about those Bibles. The truth is, I want both of them. And they're both at +50% off the usual price. And Amazon can't beat the prices. But I had to choose. And I chose this one and made a plan to use it.

The Bible can be read at a variety of paces - anything from one to four years to get through the whole thing. So I'm thinking this is good because I can vary my pace as required. The readings are numbered rather than dated so I can start any time from Day 1 and should I miss a day, for some good reason, it isn't a disaster. It's a bit like FlyLady - you're never behind.

My plan is to read in the morning (before the day gets away from me) during my computer time. I usualy have a couple of cups of coffee while I go through my email (and snail mail when that arrives) so I will add this in. And I'll make it computer-y by trying to share some of what I read here. I doubt I'll come up with anything particularly profound but I shall try and be mildly interesting. Each day's reading poses some questions for the reader so I'll use those and we'll see where we go. People are welcome to answer the same questions on their own blogs and give links in the comments section of my posts.

Pear-Shaped

2008-06-19T10:30:00.001-07:00

I've been doing well with my 10-Point Plans up until today. Today I have the cold and am feeling rather miserable. Apart from ferrying Smudge to and from the vet I've done nothing but sip liquids and sleep. I don't even have a proper appetite (and now you know I'm sick!) Better luck tomorrow, perhaps. For now I'm thinking I'll gather up a cat or two and head back to bed.

Lists - Day 2

2008-06-18T01:15:00.000-07:00

Following on from my success yesterday, today I've made another list:

Post office
Cat litter
Smudge meds
Exercise
Bath
Cooking
Read Bible
Book study
Church
Starve cats

I've put Church at number 9 not because it's of little importance but because it's the second last thing I'll do today. And 'starve cats' means I've to remove their food for overnight as Smudge has a fasting blood test in the morning. Depending on where they're sleeping at bedtime I may just remove Smudge's food and shut her in the living room (she spends most of her time in there anyway). I wonder how today will really turn out?

The List

2008-06-17T10:55:00.001-07:00

Working through my list of 10 things has worked well today. I've gotten everything done save for washing the bathroom floor and doing some ironing. I didn't feel overwhelmed and feel a bit of achievement for getting most things done. I'm now going to reward myself with a magazine which I bought when getting the groceries earlier on. Oh - and I also fit in an impromptu shopping trip with my mother. That's definately more fun than washing floors!

The First Hurdle

2008-06-17T06:30:00.001-07:00

And I appear to have fallen at it! I wrote yesterday that I planned to take up the challenge at Biblical Womanhood and write a list of ten things ... Well, here it is although it's lunchtime and I'm half done already!

Order prescription. DONE.
Buy postcards. DONE.
Grocery shopping. DONE.
Visit mum & dad. DONE.
Cooking.
Decluttering.
Read Bible
Book study.
Clean bathroom.
Ironing.

I could add several things more to that list but I'm being good!

Making Your Home a Haven Monday

2008-06-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

Now I've updated I can write the post I came here to write :) I enjoy the Biblical Womanhood blog and today's entry struck a chord. I'm a little out of the loop but it seems the ladies are looking at ways of making one's home a haven. Now who wouldn't want a big slice of that?

I struggle - oh, how I struggle - with the housework. Or even just general tidyness. I get FlyLady's copious emails (and don't read them often, I must admit). I'm meant to be using the SHE card-index system just now (and have blogged about it here until I got bored and distracted by my mother's illness. Living with four cats doesn't help (I'm typing this with Sammy draped across my arms). They're lovely but they shed and spill food and cat litter on the floors. They're also incredibly cute and distracting!

Anyway. Enough with the whingeing. The point of this post is that I really like the Biblical Womanhood suggestions:

1. Morning Routine
2. Refresh spirit
3. Plan (no more than 10 items)
4. Do one item at a time

This is kind of what I've been aiming at. Only I've tended to avoid refreshing my spirit and plan way more than 10 items. I have been managing to work on just one item at a time though 'cause I'm a single-minded kind of girl. I have a feeling that, if I only put 10 items on my list, there's a greater chance of the majority getting done. As it is, I've been getting overwhelmed and retreating into my books. So my goal for tomorrow (it's gone 6pm on Monday here in the UK) just to follow this simple little four-point plan. D'you think I can do it? Check in again tomorrow and find out ...

Summary

2008-06-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

Poor, little, neglected blog. I'm sorry I've neglected you. Truth to tell, I've been so busy in the 'real' world my online activities have taken a back seat. Here's a little of what' going on:

1. My mother has cancer and has really been struggling. But we heard today that the chemotherapy is working so there is hope (and lots of praises).

2. My migraines have featured heavily on my days. But I've received prayer for them and am hoping I've turned a corner. I'm currently managing without (strong) painkillers for the first time in over a year. It hurts but I actually feel better without them. God says: 'My grace is sufficient.'

3. Our Pastor at Church has a heart for Revival at the moment so we're having lots of extra services and much prayer for healing is going on. All of this is good and has been keeping me busy.

4. I'm studying Leslie Ludy's book, Authentic Beauty, and making some hard decisions.

5. I believe God wants to heal me from Bipolar Disorder so I can be free to serve Him. Healed how and serving how are still unclear so I'm just going to keep doing the things that keep me well (ie I'm not about to stop my meds AMA or anything similarly stupid).

I think that's just about it. And, believe me, it's quite enough. So that's all why I've not been writing here, reading less and what-have-you - I've been too busy trying to keep my head above water. And I'm not a strong swimmer. With the positive news from the Oncologist I have high hopes of getting things back to normal. Or, at least, what passes for normal in my world!

Craving God

2008-05-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

I've noticed something. Actually, I noticed it quite some time ago but I've not had time to blog about it. God is like chocolate. There - that was profound. Yes, God is like chocolate. And exercise. And reading. And kitting. And lots of other things that, once you've had a little, you just crave more and more with a longing that cannot be satisfied. Maybe I just have an addictive personality but that's how life is for me - I'll have a little X and immediately want more and more. That's assuming my experience of X is positive, of course. So maybe it's the positive experiences I crave rather than X. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that, so long as I keep getting a little bit of God - praying, Bible reading, Church, Bible study - I'll keep wanting more and that will keep me firmly on the path. The danger is when I don't have a little bit of God (because I'm too busy, too sick, too guilty - whatever) and then the craving dies down. I need to keep feeding my hunger.

So, without more ado, I have an appointment with my Bible ...

All About Church

2008-04-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

I'm not very comfortable with 'shopping for a Church.' But this is what I'm finding myself doing. It's a bit like having a 'choice' of school or hospital - I think that your local one should be good enough that a choice is unnecessary.

I'm a member of my local Parish Church. It's a very traditional, Church of Scotland, presbyterian Church. We're going to call it 'Church G'. It's unlikely that any of you will have heard of it but I'm about to be non-complimentary so I shall be coy. Church G offers one Sunday morning service and occassional evening services. As I've said, it's traditional which, to me means you follow an Order of Service which looks like this:

Stand up. Sing hymn. Sit down. Pray. Stand up. Sing hymn. Sit down. Sermon by Minister. Stand up. Sing hymn. Time to go home.

I don't particularly enjoy this kind of service. It's a personal preference thing though - I don't think God's particularly bothered. But the hymns are from the 18th and 19th centuries and don't make any sense to me and I don't feel I can worship when I'm singing something I barely understand. And then the Sermons ... Church G has a very kind, very nice, female Minister. For the record, I don't have a strong opinion about the Ordination of women. But her preaching ... It's terrible. She sounds apologetic and really doesn't have anything much to say. So, after a service at Church G, I come away empty when I should be filled and, worse, I don't feel that I've worshipped God in any meaningful way.

I've been feeling this way about Church G for a long time and, about a year ago, I visited Church C, basically because it'd just been renovated and I wanted a look-see. Church C is also Church of Scotland, presbyterian. It offers a traditional Sunday morning service, a contemporary one and a contemporary evening service. Contemporary in this context means the same stand up/sing/sit down kind of worship but with modern hymns and a praise band rather than an organ. Much more my cup of tea. Church C has two Ministers both of whom appear to be passionate about God and don't apologise for it. The people are friendly and I've always been welcomed there. The preaching addresses everyday issues and is faithful to the Word. But it seems wrong to me to stay within the Church of Scotland but to go to a different Parish. The Churches are meant to be active in their communities (and, to be fair, both of them are) and I think I should be serving in my home town - not a few miles down the road.

So I started visiting local Churches of different denominations. And we come to Church CB. This is an Evangelical Church which states that the Bible is the Word of God and that one must be baptised by total immersion. They have a morning communion service every Sunday followed by a 'family service' and then a teaching service in the evening. I've been to the morning communion service and an evening service. The communion service was like nothing I've experienced before: it's a kind of 'free-form' service where the men are invited to contribute and suggest what the congregation does as they're led by the Holy Spirit. The evening service was 'normal' althouh I found it a bit odd that one of the Elders gave the Sermon. I wonder what training they receive before being allowed to preach?

The last Church I've visited is Church E. And it really is a break from the old routine. It's a Pentacostal Church which appears to try and model itself on the early Church as described in Acts. I've been there before a number of years ago and attended their Alpha course. There are two modern services every Sunday and a service on a Saturday night. They're led by a worship leader with the songs running into one another and the prayers as the leader is led. The preaching was very good and very relevant and it was so good to see God worshipped and acting within the community. Worshipping last Saturday was the first time in a long time I've really felt I was worshipping rather than going through the motions. The down-side for Church E is that my family would be against it. They're good Church of Scotland folks and distrust the new ways of worshipping. They even enjoy the 18th Century hymns! Which is great. For them. The other thing is that this Church is the furthest away - about 20 mins by car.

So I've been shopping for a Church. I want to go where God wants me. I realise I've written a whole lot here about what I like and want. But God seems rather silent on the subject. So, my question is: How did you choose the Church you're in?

Things I Put Off ...

2008-04-22T08:37:00.001-07:00

Katrina over at Callapidder Days has been thinking about the things she puts off. Fortunately she didn't put off updating her lovely blog!

So - what do I put off? And why?

Dentist - I have a dentist phobia. Basically, when I was a kid, a butcher of a dentist did a whole lot of work on my mouth without any anaesthetic. I refused to go back (and was taken, quite literally, kicking and screaming). But, once I was too big to be dragged, I stopped going and my mouth ended up in a horrible state. Years on, I did go to the 'Nervous Patients' clinic at Glasgow's Dental Hospital and I am now able to go without crying. But woe betide the dentist who hurts me - I have sharp teeth and your hands are in my mouth ... (Just kidding.) I've been putting off going for my checkup for about a year because I know I need a filling replaced and just don't wanna. But I have a note in my diary to phone this week and I honestly will try and do it.

Doctor - I don't have any real reason for not visiting the Dr. I've just been too busy and haven't wanted to make time as I'm slightly uncomfortable rather than at death's door. My mother assures me that, if I don't take action now, I'll end up in a state so that's another To-Do in the diary.

Paperwork - I have stacks and piles and bundles. And I'm an expert procrastinator. That can be next week's job!

Washing the car - I bought my car about two years ago and have never washed it. My sister's bf pressure hosed it a few months ago. And the car lives outside so the rain cleans it. Or, at least, that's what I tell myself ...

I am, yours, The Procrastinator.

Not Another Blog

2008-04-21T12:49:00.000-07:00

Just in case people are unaware, I have another blog detailing my weight loss journey. The most recent entry is here.

More on Comments

2008-04-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

Thank you all so much for your kind and sincere comments. I'm actually a bit teary over all of them and I really wish I'd known to read them at the time they were posted. I'm very touched. I've let this blog languish rather 'cause I was discourage 'cause I thought no one was reading (and why would anyone read me?) due to the lack of comments and here they were there all the time!

So - here's an update:

1. With the help of a couple of lovely ladies who emailed me and prayed for me and a close friend, I've recommitted my life to Christ. It all hinged on a large and fluffy teddy-bear who now lives on my bed. Possibly not conventional but it worked for me.

2. I'm trying to 'Get the Bible Habit' and read and pray daily. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't.

3. I'm trying to get my home under control and have had some success. Unfortunately, I'm running out of things to do that don't involve washing the kitchen floor so I have a feeling I'll be spending time on my hands and knees this week.

4. My mum's cancer has spread but her new chemotherapy is a lot easier to tolerate - every cloud.

5. I've visited a few Churches and think I may have found where I'm meant to be. I'm not 100% sure though so watch this space. Actually, I'm not sure how to get sure but have faith that it'll become clear.

6. I have four cats at the moment (one of my own, three fosterlings). Duke-the-Grumpy is going to the vet tomorrow for vaccinations. I'm considering wearing gauntlets.

7. Tonight we (ie the whole family) are going to see Mama Mia. I'm told it's 'not a very moral story' but good fun. I'm just going for the music with which I've grown up.

So that's me. How about you?

Comments!

2008-04-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

I found out by chance today that some lovely people have commented on this blog but I've not received email notifications. And I never came back to check because I didn't expect for there to *be* any comments! So thanks very much for reading. I'll read your comments today and have set myself to receive notifications in future.

The Lord's Table

2008-04-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

I've decided not to continue with this. It just doesn't fit with where I am at the moment. I've written a 'DNF Review' here.

For my next trick, I will start Leslie Ludy's Authentic Beauty study which I received this morning.

Homekeeper Challenge #2

2008-04-08T09:03:00.000-07:00

It's Week Two of the Homekeeper Challenge 2008. It's really good to hear from Chic Mama again - I'm sorry to hear why you've not been blogging. I enjoyed this week's post although, as I'm not married, it's not really something I can put into practice. Instead I shall continue trying to get my house under some sort of control. I really am at the point of just giving up and getting a cleaner. The trouble is, I think it's in too much of a cluttered mess for a cleaner to be able to do much cleaning. The situation is not helped by the dishwasher still not working so I'm spending time washing dishes when I could be doing something else. I feel totally overwhelmed and just don't know where to begin. Sorry, this isn't a very inspiring post, is it? Here's hoping I'll have something better to report next week.

Too Much!

2008-04-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I take on too much. It starts innocently enough. I pick up one item and then, in a burst of enthusiasm, I pick up ten more. And then I get overwhelmed and don't even do the one original item. And it's happened again.

At the moment, I'm supposed to be studying:

* Inspiring Women Every Day - New Christians
* Inspiring Women Every Day - Regular
* Explore
* Sanctuary
* Small Changes
* The Lord's Table

I think that's all. But it's way too much and I am, in fact, doing none of it. No quiet time, no prayer, no worship, no Bible study, nothing. And it's because I've taken on far too much and am overwhelmed. I also don't actually have time to spend on all these studies. At fifteen minutes each, that little lot is an hour and a half! And, yes, it'd be good to spend an hour and a half with God every day but I think He would rather I plan and actually do fifteen minutes rather than plan an hour and a half and do nothing. So I must rationalise.

I know that I want to do The Lord's Table as a book study and I'd like to start it as soon as possible as I'm working on my health and fitness at the moment. And for a morning Quiet Time I like Inspiring Women Every Day. I think I'll finish the New Christians book I have and then use the regular one. I'll let the other things go - for now.

No Church?

2008-04-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

It's looking rather like I won't make it to Church today. I intended to go to the Evening Service at Cartsbridge but I have a migraine that isn't responding to pain meds so I think I may be slinking back to bed when I've done the dinner dishes. I'm rather disappointed as I'm dressed and ready to go and was looking forward to worshipping. I know it's just as possible to worship while in bed with a headache but it's not quite the same thing!

No Church Today

2008-03-30T01:00:00.001-07:00

I am disappointed. Last weekend, I went to the very excellent worship service at Cartsbridge Evangelical and I'd intended to go again this morning. I even set the alarm! Unfortunately, I've woken with a migraine and so will be going nowhere. I feel frustrated and irritated with myself. Because I really wanted to go. And, instead, I'm in pain and craving caffeine which is something I'm trying to avoid. The avoidance has probably caused the migraine. It is possible that I will be better later and can go to the Evening Service. But I'm still sulky about missing the one I wanted to go to. Sometimes I'm such a child!

Small Changes for a Better Life

2008-03-29T06:51:00.000-07:00

I have decided to study Elizabeth George's Small Changes for a Better Life. I have the Growth and Study Guide already and so I have started today. I'd like to do a little work on it daily and (for once) finish what I've started. I'm not very good at this. Indeed, I've started studying this book more than once before now. Discipline is the thing. Which is why I've decided on an Elizabeth George book to start off with - she's big on discipline.

My first task from the book is to memorise Romans 12:2. This is a task I'm setting myself - not one that's imposed by Mrs George. It seems such a good verse to empahsise that we are no longer to conform to the standards of the world and it also deals with matters of the mind which is something that interests this Bipolar patient greatly.

My way of memorising Scripture is to write out the verse(s) ten times each day until I've learned them. While I'm writing, I try to think about what the verse has to say to me rather than it being a mindless repetition of lines scrawled with a cramped hand. I shall aim to check in here each day with a comfirmation that I've done the work and a note of any (profound?) thoughts I have about the verse while I'm writing.

Dishes

2008-03-26T12:19:00.000-07:00

I am proud to report that, despite having no working dishwasher, all the dishes are done. I don't think my hands will ever be the same again. Washing up liquid is horrible stuff. And I don't like wearing rubber gloves.

Christmas Birthdays

2008-03-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know it's far too early to start thinking about Christmas ... or is it?

I've just finished reading this and am most taken with the idea of buying a Christmas gift for each person I buy a Birthday gift for. At the same time as I purchase the Birthday gift. This won't spread my spending as much as it would for some people - most of our Birthdays are in September and October but it will keep me out of the shops during the panic-buying days of the 23rd and 24th of December. And that can only be A Good Thing!

Making the Effort

2008-03-25T08:09:00.001-07:00

I'm a rotten housekeeper. To be honest, I think the only solution is to get a cleaner. But I'm going to have one last try. I've spent an hour tidying up today. The tidying is required before *anyone* attempts cleaning whether that might be me or a cleaner or someone I drag in off the street.

The kitchen is looking not bad. The situation in there isn't helped by the dishwasher being broken and me hating washing dishes. But I've washed a sinkfull and have put other items to soak so I don't need to scrub quite so hard.

Then I went into the living room. It still looks like a storeroom, all full of boxes. But it's been picked up. The hall is OKish and I made a start on the bedroom before the timer pinged and I could stop without feeling guilty. Because I've *tried* and that has to count for something.

I will endeavour to do the same again tomorrow.

Choose Purity

2008-03-25T01:27:00.000-07:00

I have rather serious problems in this area. I'm a lot better now than I was in my 20s but I've a long way to go. I'm reading J John's Ten on the Ten Commandments at the moment and am freshly convicted that this is an area I need to work on. I'm thinking that maybe my next read should be Lisa Bevere's Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry.

Homekeeper Challenge

2008-03-24T14:18:00.000-07:00

I love looking at random blogs (it's such a shame that the CWO ring is closed now). Anyway, I think I struck gold when I found The Homekeeper Challenge 2008. What could be better than a group of women taking up the challenge of their role at home? I really feel like I found it at just the right time - my house isn't even pleasant to be in at the moment and tomorrow sees me begin to Do Something About It.

Watch this space!

Genesis 50:20

2008-03-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

Genesis 50:20 (New Living Translation)
New Living Translation (NLT)

Holy Bible. New Living Translation copyright © 1996, 2004 by Tyndale Charitable Trust. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers.

20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.

I kept a note of this verse, intending to write about how God's going to use my mother's cancer in a wonderful, positive way. But that post won't let me write it - the words just won't come. Maybe it's because that's not what I really believe. So what do I believe?

I'm not even sure I know my own thoughts tonight. But there is hope in this verse and that's what I need to hang onto.

Service

2008-03-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

I read Inspiring Women Every Day and found this paragraph in today's reading:

So, next time we see a dropped, soiled tissue, a forgotten, dirty tea-cup, a stained toilet or a pile of wet tea-towels, let’s serve Him. When we next see a drunk vomiting in the road, the homeless shivering in the cold, a prisoner in need of a friend, let’s serve Him. When we think we can’t afford to, we lack the ability to, or have insufficient time to, let’s serve Him. And, next time we meet the person who criticises us, mocks us, hurts or rejects us, let’s serve Him.

I wonder what the world would be like if we followed this teaching?

My mother ...

2008-03-12T05:14:00.003-07:00

... is being taken in to hospital this afternoon. If you're a prayer, please pray for us ...

Minnesota Women?

2008-03-12T03:37:00.000-07:00

Kelly over at Love Well asked:

"How about you? Is there anything you can do that makes you swell up like a puffer fish?"

I can't change a tyre. I can't fix the dishwasher. I can't sew on a button. I can't cure cancer. There are a whole lot of things I can't do for a variety of reasons. But what I can do makes me feel like a million dollars.

I can befriend cats.

Now, I know that might not sound like much. Some people might even thing it's a curse rather than a blessing. But, me? I love cats. And I love watching a small, scared little feline find his feet and start doing all the things he was designed to do. I love the moment a cat first has the courage to jump on my knee or relaxes enough to play.

I have the best job in the world because I get to spend my time befriending cats. I'm a volunteer with Cats Protection and my role is 'Feline Foster Mum.' I specialise in the elderly cats who can't be rehomed. At the moment I have Duke who is lovely but incredibly grumpy. His kidneys are failing so we can't find him a new home. But he's happy with me and living life as fully as he can. I also have little Rosie. She's a self-harmer but we're teaching her better coping mechanisms and helping her stop with medication. I hope that she will find a home once she's better. She's curled up on the bed beside me and purring and purring!

There's something very special about cats (to me, at any rate). I related better to them than I do to people. I just think they're the perfect little package and fun, friendship and fur. And they purr - what more could I ask?

Cleaning with Music?

2008-03-12T03:27:00.000-07:00

I was very interested to read this post on Unclutterer today. I do better at most things when I've some background noise. It's as though having to concentrate away from the noise makes my focus on what I'm doing stronger. If you see what I mean? But I always thought I was just a strange child. Apparently I'm not as unique as I thought!

John's Gospel Devotional

2008-03-12T02:26:00.000-07:00

I read this devotional yesterday and it really fits where I am so I want to keep a copy.

‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.’ (v.32)

Faith is stretched to the extreme when challenged by severe distress and, especially, by bereavement.
Today, we observe two grief-stricken sisters as they subtly reproach their close friend (vv.21,32), stopping short of demanding why Jesus couldn’t be bothered to come sooner. Their perception of the ‘here and now’ far outweighed their eternal perspective; their hope for eternal life overshadowed by the immediate reality of their sorrow.
Although Jesus’ delay was no mistake, He was ‘deeply moved in spirit and troubled’ (v.33). His perfect timing revealed God’s power over mankind’s greatest predator, but these were His dear friends – He felt their grief. Moreover, Jesus’ sorrow was marked with anger – indignation at the enemy who holds mankind in his death-vice. He reaffirmed His resolve to bring about Satan’s downfall, despite imminent torture.
To believe in Jesus is to experience, in this physical life, something of our eternal life: ‘… if you believed, you would see the glory of God’ (v.40). Jesus had no problem raising Lazarus from the dead; His greater challenge lay in removing Martha’s hesitancy to believe (v.39).
Jesus’ love was manifested through obedience to His Father, but that didn’t stop Him feeling com- passion. Are you now suffering sorrow and distress? If so, rest awhile in the security of God’s loving presence, trusting Him with your pain. When my close friend died in his mid-twenties, my confused heart had to learn the painful lesson that God won’t always choose to restore our loss, but His presence will provide the ‘miracle’ we need, helping us to cope with ‘today’ and, in time, to move on to ‘tomorrow’.
Welcome letter from Jeannette Barwick
Articles

Lord, I believe in Your power over all situations but, just at this moment, I need You to help me believe that You care; that You’re here with me right now.

© Copyright CWR 2008
CWR, Waverley Abbey House,Waverley Lane, Farnham, Surrey GU9 8EP, England
CWR is a registered Charity - 294387
CWR is a limited company registered in England - 1990308
Unless otherwise stated all Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible,
New International Version. Copyright International Bible Society.

A Step of Faith

2008-03-11T14:50:00.000-07:00

Today has been quite a day. It's been a good day but I seem to have crammed in more living than is usual. I don't really know where to begin. Chronological order would probably be easiest for you but I don't know if I'll get it all done tonight - it's past bedtime and I'm just about to have supper and settle down for the night.

There are two things you need to know:

1) I have Atypical Bipolar Disorder. I tend to lean more to the depressed side than the manic.

2) My mother has cancer. We heard yesterday that they've found 'something suspicious' in her ribs and she'll be going into hospital soon for further investigations.

Do you know ... I'm sleepy so I'm just going to post some of an email I sent earlier this evening. Why reinvent the wheel? What happened is that a friend sent me the most adorable, huggable teddy bear. And here's what I wrote in that email:

"I nearly missed the note Angie had slipped into the bag of books. Apparently she was praying for me and my family a few weeks ago and asking what she could do from so far away and it just popped into her head that she should send me a 'Bear Hug' in the form of a teddy bear. She shrugged it off as a silly, cheesy gesture but the idea kept niggling away at her until she gave in and sent Mr Bear Hug to me. She'd expected the parcel to arrive sooner but had been trusting God to make sure it arrived at just the right time.

Now, I've been praying and begging for some kind of sign to show me that God's real. I needed something tangible that I could point to and say 'I believe in God because ...' I've been telling God: 'I'm willing to believe in You but You have to give me something to hold onto because I can't do it on my own. And I don't understand ... if You love me and want to be in my life then why can't you just give me some sign?' That's what I've been praying over and over and over again.

I believe that God told Angie to send me a bear and helped her choose the right one and got it here at the right time. It feels like Angie and God planned this together, just like two friends doing something for a mutual friend who's going through a tough time. And I have my something tangible. Because every time I touch my bear (and I touch him often 'cause he feels so good under my hands) I remember and know that God sent him to me.

I guess this all might sound completely off the wall but I feel *so* much peace. My situation hasn't changed - my mum's still sick and I still have Bipolar - but I have what I need. And that feels so very good."

Meantime, a Christian blogger and I have been corresponding. She asked me to put away the decorations of alternative faiths - statues, necklaces, etc. And I have. They're waiting to go out in tomorrow's rubbish. It's hard to throw away things that have been precious to me. Harder still not to recycle them in some way. But the 'gods' of those alternatives didn't send me a Bear Hug. And I want to sleep with a clean conscience tonight.

Dear Body

2008-03-10T07:15:00.000-07:00

Over at Tales from the Scales, Jan has written a letter from her mind to her body. And it's inspiring reading. So inspiring, in fact, that I've decided to take up the challenge. So, here we go:

Dear Body,

I come to you to make an apology. I would be grateful if you would allow me to make amends to you. In order to medicate my feelings, I've been forcing you to eat what you neither need nor want and this has resulted in your carrying around a whole lot of excess weight.

I would like to learn to give you the nurishment you need without stuffing you full of chemicals and extra calories. I would like to help you lose the extra weight and just carry what you need to be healthy. I am attending a slimming club with you so that we can work on this together.

I really admire you for staying healthy even while I was abusing you and I promise to learn new coping skills so that I do not hurt you in this way again.

With love.

Me.

Overview Excitement

2008-03-10T02:22:00.000-07:00

Still with WordLive I was excited to read this given as the week's overview:

For him or against him? Everything points to making a choice this series. Judas, the religious leaders and others are all called upon to make their choice.

I would love it if this week would settle the matter for me, once and for all. I want to know God, if He's there. If He's there I want to know Him. I feel a great longing, a yearning, a wanting.

Daily Question

2008-03-10T01:52:00.000-07:00

I'm using WordLive from Scripture Union and thought it might be interesting to see how other people answer the 'Daily Question.'

What message might Jesus be communicating to the disciples through his response to the woman who anointed him with perfume (Matthew 26:6–13)?

Party On!

2008-03-10T00:45:00.001-07:00

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Originally uploaded by laura0141

It's time to join the Party! I do think a party is the most fun. I've only ever hosted one party and it wasn't really a success - we ended up going clubbing and I had a *huge* fight with my boyfriend. But ... live and learn.

I'm going to take this party as an opportunity to introduce myself in a more lighthearted way tha previously. My name's Laura and I live in Scotland with Sammy-cat and the fosterlings. I'm unable to do paid work because I have Atypical Bipolar Disorder so I do voluntary work for Cats Protection instead. At the moment I'm not doing a whole lot as my mum has cancer but I *am* still fostering Duke and Rosie. Duke's my grumpy old man and Rosie's a lovely little thing but she's a self-harmer. Bet you didn't know cats could do that - she just licks and bites and scratches till she's sore. But the vet and I are hoping we've a handle on it now with some new meds ...

I'm a big reader. I'll read anythig that doesn't give me nightmares. But that doesn't mean I'll read things I don't enjoy. I abide by The 50 Page Rule - if I'm not enjoying it 50 pages in then it's time to find a new book.

I'm also a knitter. I mostly knit scarves and blankies but I have finished one cardigan - it just needs sewn up. Unfortunately I've no idea how to do this and need my mother's assistance and she's going through chemo and so has other things on her mind. But we'll get there - maybe I'll get to wear it next winter!

Hmmm ... cats, reading, knitting. They're my main *things*. I also love to cook and am learning to bake but this has had a detrimental effect on my dress size. My housekeeping skills are non-existant and I want to get a cleaner. I'm going to have one last try on the SHE card index system and then I really will give up! Which is shaming but honest.

Gosh, it's hard to be bright and bubbly when you've only just woken up. I'm writing this in bed - I have a migraine and I'm waiting for the meds to kick in. Then I might get up. Duke is with me, curled up on my feet. The other cats went out after breakfast and may not be seen again until lunchtime.

Oh, wait - I do have one more thing to tell you. Want diet-friendly strawberries and cream? Put your berries in a bowl, sprinkle with sweetener and put a dollow of very low fat natural cottage cheese on top. It tastes (to me) like creamy strawberry heaven and is free (ie unlimited) on SlimmingWorld.

You Can Do Anything ...

2008-03-09T08:53:00.001-07:00

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Originally uploaded by laura0141

... for 15 minutes. So says the FlyLady. I've just started reading her mails again (when did she get so commercial?) and the first one to get my attention spoke about reading. If you read for 15 minutes a day you'll read Y pages a day. If you do it every day for a year, you'll read Y x 365 pages. If there are Z pages in a book then you'll read (Y x 365)/Z a year. And so on. It really got me wondering ... What would happen if I read the Bible for 15 minutes a day, every day, for a year? There's only one way to find out ...

Introducing Myself

2008-03-09T08:50:00.001-07:00

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Originally uploaded by laura0141

I posted this last night but it appears to have gotten lost during the downtime so here's the gist of the story so far ...

I'm Laura, 35, Scottish, single, Bipolar, cat lover. I have major questions relating to religion and spirituality and am probably best categorised as a 'Seeker.' I tend to take phases towards various religious paths be they Christian, Wiccan, Buddhist ... those are the main players.

At the moment, I'm in a Christian phase. I really want to know Jesus. I want to meet Him. I want to know Him. I want to believe in Him. But I haven't met Him yet and I'm not really sure how to. I wrote a list of activities yesterday - read Bible, pray, go to Church, fellowship. This blog comes into the fellowship category.

And that's basically it. I promise you, what I wrote yesterday was a whole lot more interesting but it said basically the same thing. I've just taken some strong painkillers and blame them for my fuzzy, buzzy head.